I’ve had mixed feelings about Christmas for quite a while now. It’s been playing on my mind for several months. I knew this year would be very emotional, for several reasons. However, I kind of got lost in the build up towards Christmas and things hadn’t been bothering me as much as I thought they would.
Christmas is normally associated with family time, good memories of being surrounded by loved ones. For me, Christmas is about making sure the children love every second, and enjoying good food and drink. Ever since Duchenne entered our lives, I knew Christmas would never be the same again. I’ve tried to throw my entire soul into making this Christmas extra special for the boys. They had far more presents than they needed, and we’ve had far more sweets/chocolates/food than we’ve needed (trust me, my jeans definitely agree with that one). We went to Alton Towers, we did the Santa Express, we went for tea with Santa, we went to the Panto, we’ve done it all this year. We have had a fantastic few weeks and after the year we’ve had, overspending at Christmas was definitely deserved. And it took my mind of the mess of Duchenne.
For weeks, I’ve had so many thoughts running through my head about Christmas and Hugo and the effect Duchenne will have on our future Christmasses. I know I should be enjoying life as it is right now, but it’s so hard when you have a child with a limited life. The main thought I’ve been trying to battle is the fact that one day, Hugo will not be with us on Christmas Day. Not only that, but Hugo will never have the joy of seeing his own children excited on Christmas Day. I mean, why does Christmas even make us more emotional than any other day of the year? It is simply because it is the one day of the year where families are united, and we all take a step back to cherish what we have. This Christmas, I tried to make the most of every single moment and enjoy it, and I did. I spent more time with the boys playing with new toys than I probably have in previous years and it all seemed a little less stressful.
We all had a good day, Christmas dinner was amazing and the boys were very happy with their new stuff. Once they’d gone to bed, I watched Call the Midwife with a bottle of fizz! I don’t know if it was the programme that triggered off my emotions or just the fact that I could finally relax after all the Christmas prep, but something hit me that night. As I was getting ready for bed, I just sat on the bed and cried. Tears were literally coming from nowhere and I couldn’t control it. I don’t even know the reasons behind this breakdown, I just sat and cried for what felt like forever. It had all got too much for me, I’d spent the last 2 months ignoring Duchenne. In particular the month leading up to Christmas I really held my emotions together, despite it being tough to do so. Christmas day got the better of me though and it all came flooding out. And I felt so much better for it afterwards. Upon reflection, Duchenne is really changing our lives in every aspect. Obviously it has made everything that little bit more difficult and life will never be the same (and of course I desperately wish I still didn’t know what Duchenne even is!) but it is also forcing us to enjoy every single moment and make the most of life, and for that I am thankful.