This week I’ve felt much more in control of my emotions. This is a good thing, I guess, but it’s left me wondering when it’s acceptable to get on with normal life. I thought I was in control but actually, maybe I’m not? From an outsiders point of view, I probably appear to be back to my usual self. But, I am far from my usual self. I don’t think I will ever be the person I was a month ago ever again.
A month ago. It seems crazy to think that Hugo was diagnosed over a month ago. I don’t know if that’s a long time or not really. This is why I’ve been questioning myself today. Should I be moving on and coping well a month later, or should I still be going through what I can only describe as a ‘grieving’ process? I just don’t know. I don’t know where my emotions should be. I wish someone had wrote a manual for this.
Part of me feels good for handling things better, but another part of me feels guilty for doing exactly that. Is a month long enough or is a month still too soon? From speaking to other Duchenne parents, it would seem that whilst Duchenne has a set timeline for our boys, it doesn’t have a set timeline for how we deal with it. Everyone gets through it differently. Each day is a challenge, and comes with different emotions, different feelings, different outlooks. For now I will just keep on doing what I am doing and take each day as it comes. But no matter how ‘normal’ I seem to be on the outside, I am still fighting a massive emotional battle inside. I’m not sure if that will change anytime soon.