Over the last few days, I’ve been pondering. It’s something I often do. I am an over-thinker and a natural worrier. Over the years, these traits have made my life much more stressful than it needs to be. I can’t see it changing anytime soon.
Its not something I often speak about, but I do struggle with anxiety. It has a tendency to make me feel paranoid about the silliest of things. Unlike Danny, the future of Duchenne is something that I spend far too much time thinking about and I’ve come to realise that it’s not doing me any favours. At all. I need to try and block those thoughts out but it’s much harder than it seems. That is even harder when anxiety is always hiding, waiting to pop up and say hello again. And it is a real pain because I like to be in control, but you literally cannot control anxiety. No matter how hard you try! It popped up like an annoying mole all day yesterday, despite my best efforts to stamp it back into the ground.
Today I was greeted by the most amazing cuddle with Hugo after school. He literally ran (well, in a Hugo fashion) right up to me and threw his arms around me. It was a special moment and I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a tear in my eye. It’s these moments that fill my life with happiness, but now they all seem to be tinged with an element of sadness. Duchenne literally screws everything up. I’m hoping that the black cloud that Duchenne casts over every happy moment moves on elsewhere sometime soon.
But, my anxiety and the additional worry of Duchenne got me thinking. Life is just full of tests. People make the mistake of thinking that tests are simply about passing or failing. But they are not. A test is just something that marks the end of a journey and the start of a new one. If we didn’t have obstacles thrown in our way, then we wouldnt learn a thing. Before Hugo’s diagnosis, I didn’t truly appreciate the value of non-material things. Whilst Duchenne has created one massive storm in our lives, it has taught me what is important. The trivial things that I used to get so upset about really have faded to nothing. Just like a test, I’ve learnt where I went wrong before and have realised what I need to do next time.
I’m sure Duchenne will bring us many more ‘tests’ and it’s perfectly acceptable to ‘fail’ the majority of them. However, what’s important is our ability to overcome the failure, and find a new way of coping. I’d like to think that each ‘failure’ will get easier but only time will tell. In the meantime, I have three beautiful boys who test me to my limits but always manage to put that smile back on my face…