Following my emotional episodes on Saturday, the last couple of days have been really up and down. I barely slept Sunday night as my mind was racing with all sorts of thoughts, so Monday was a battle against tiredness. I think this contributed to my bursts of sudden sadness. I’ve also still got this nagging thought that it’s all going to be a mistake. Until we get his final DNA results next week, I’m struggling to accept it. Almost like when someone dies and it doesn’t sink in until the funeral, I think I’m lacking that ‘closure’.
It’s simple things that trigger me off. Normal, everyday things are starting to upset me, when the realisation sets in that one day my child won’t be able to do those ‘normal’ things. Thankfully I have a huge support network around me and the ability to take myself off and have a moment to let it all out.
My mum came round this evening which was the first time we’ve seen her since all this happened. I genuinely thought I’d be much more emotional than I was but I managed to hold it together. Although I had to fight the tears a couple of times when I saw her cuddling him and could see the fear in her eyes too. Not just a sadness for her grandson and what he’s going to go through, but a sadness for her own daughter at the thought of what my life is going to be like as the parent of a disabled child.
Times like this are the hardest, but at the same time it reminds me that everyone is behind us and we are not alone.