On Saturday 11th June, we were at a 30th Birthday Party for my friend from work. Both Danny and I went, and I think after the week we’d had, we both needed to have a few drinks and some good company. Hayley had arranged a collection for Hugo and raised a huge amount towards his fund.
This was a difficult night for me. The start of the night was fine, aside from feeling a bit emotional seeing Hugo’s picture everywhere. It actually felt good to be surrounded by happy people who wanted us to have a good night.
At some point during the evening, a huge wave of guilt hit me. I felt terrible for enjoying myself, and for a split second, I actually hated myself for thinking that I could go out and have a good time. After a text to my mum and sister explaining what was going on, they made me realise that it’s important to give myself that time to detach. Despite everything that’s going on, I still need to have those times where I can shut off from it all. It doesn’t make me a bad person for doing so. I guess this is another one of those ‘normal’ emotions that I am going to go through, the same as any other parent would. A few more emotional moments hit me, and I did have some tears with a couple of friends outside. There is only so long you can hold it in for.
When I got home, an overwhelming feeling of panic hit me. I suddenly thought ‘what if they’ve got this wrong? What if they’ve made a terrible mistake’? And then I couldn’t help but think ‘what on earth would we tell all those people who have donated to his fund’? When I stopped to try and figure out why I felt this way, it dawned on me that I am still clinging onto a tiny bit of hope that he doesn’t have this horrendous condition. I realised that I haven’t accepted it yet. I don’t know when I will either.